MMM: Another Chapter In The Book Of Lamentations For Greedy Nigerians

This is a melodramatic piece on the intrigues of the foremost Ponzi Scheme named Mavrodi Mundial Moneybox which has dominated the Google search engine in Nigeria since the announcement of accounts restriction on the 13th of December, 2016.

“My brother, where are you heading to?”

“To the restroom of course”

“Why did you ask? …And when did my movements become your business?”

“Calm down! I noticed you have used the office toilet about 6 times this morning in quick successions. It’s very unlike you”

“So you have been monitoring my bowel movement?……hmmmmm!

Truthfully, I am in trouble oh. I have landed myself in a very hot pot of Egusi soup. My mouth is too small to tell what my eyes have seen. In fact, it’s either I die right now or I die.

“What happened? Have you lost your job in this economic recession? Has your salary being slashed? Are you part of those that wanted to clear grass at the Internally Displaced People’s camps in Borno for N200 million using ICT tools?”

“This isn’t the time for dry jokes. MMM has crashed oh!”

“Crash ke! When did MMM become a plane in the air? But wait a minute, I read the administrator only froze accounts till the 13th of January, 2017 to prevent any mishap due to heavy cash withdrawals associated with the yuletide”

“Naso them talk am for South Africa this year oh! It never came back”

“Are you sure”

“Stop asking me foolish questions. You will not believe I had just provided a help of N2 million obtained from the Credit and Thrift Co-operative Society I joined before the circular as released. All these people under me have been calling since midnight. What do I tell them?”

“Simply repeat to them the details of the communiqué issued by MMM or are they blind or uneducated? Anybody participating in MMM is a rogue. They all know the risks but they were blinded by greed”

“Stop saying this nonsense. You should count your teeth with your tongue before uttering trash please. Are you not aware that some men of God or god of men also invested in MMM? Even a pastor of one of the biggest religious ministries in Nigeria – The Redeemed Christian Church of God allowed an MMM guider to preach the ‘help’ message to the congregation during a Sunday service”

“This is preposterous! I learned some top bankers were even introducing MMM to their customers in a bid to rake the 10 percent referral bonus. This was in contrast with the stand of the leadership of their banks which kept discouraging customers from investing in the scandalous wonder bank”

“What are you saying? Do you think the idea of 30% on investment in simply 30 days isn’t attractive to President Muhammadu Buhari himself? I was told he even contemplated investing the 2017 national budget in the Ponzi Scheme. One of his lawyer economic advisers claimed it would help us out of this economic recession”

“Aaaaaah! Abomination!! Our budget in MMM? You must have shared the same dose of marijuana with officials of the National Communications Commission who apparently woke up one day to inflate data tariffs simply to allow newcomers in the telecommunications industry strive”

“My brother take am easy oh! Your jokes are becoming more expensive than a bag of rice. Anyway, the national assembly stunned me by standing with the masses on the data hike issue. I almost thought their major focus was padding the national budget and maybe dozing off at the plenary like that elderly Benue Senator”

Which Senator is that one? You mean the one that was caught sleeping three times unrepentantly?

“So you know and you want me to mention his name? I wish Buhari could sell you off with our national assets”

“Take it easy on me jare. Well the Nigerian Senate tried on the data tariff hike, I am so impressed. But come to think of it, MMM was indeed an emblem of hope to some despondent Nigerians with lion hearts. In fact, MMM has become more popular than the opposing People’s Democratic Party. I will advise the conveners of the rumoured new mega party to name it after MMM. This could sway some Nigerians lazily addicted to the scheme”.

“Mumu, you talking nonsense again. MMM has lost its popularity in Nigeria. It’s no more called Mavrodi Mundial Moneybox but Moku Mogbe Modaran (expressing regrets in Yoruba language). Some apathetic people even call it ‘Multi Million Mumu’. How can you even think of naming a political party after the initiative of an ex-convict like Serge Mavrodi?

“See anything is possible in Nigeria as far as I am concerned. Are you oblivious of the damning accusations against Ibrahim Magu? Buhari seems to have been using corruption to fight corruption. The DSS openly said the acting Chairman of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission is corrupt?”

“Are you mad? How can you say such without whispering into my ears? Do you want to be whisked away in commando style by security operatives? I am sure you never heard of the plight of that Abuja-based blogger, Abubakar ‘Abusidiqu’ Usman who holidayed with the EFCC for publishing defamatory articles about the commission on his site”

“Stop scaring me now. If I am arrested for a week, my wife will not cope. That woman’s libido is higher than the current dollar exchange rate. I wonder who has been helping Nnamdi Kanu’s wife for the past one year especially under the chilly United Kingdom weather”

“Hahahaha your mind as dirty as the gutters of Lagos State. I know you like light-skinned women.”

“Please don’t make me laugh. I am still in a state of mourning concerning the shocking demise of MMM. If care isn’t taken ehn, I will find my way to Russia and collect my money directly from Serge Mavrodi. He will think it’s funny. This world is a small place oh! I am so confused. Maybe I should visit the Eko Bridge and just commit suicide by jumping down”

“That will be difficult. It’s not easy to commit suicide nowadays. Since MMM crashed, the Lagos State Emergency Management Agency, LASEMA has sent its officials to keep their eyes on strategic bridges and major roads in the state to rescue depressed people.”

“You don’t mean it? Why can’t I kill myself in peace again? Is it not my life? Is it their own?”

“My brother don’t try committing suicide around Oshodi oh, I read an MMM guider who wanted to kill himself out of the frustration of the imminent crash was swiftly saved by a mob and then lynched for attempting to evade the current economic hardship in Nigeria. They feel his decision was unpatriotic. How can you advocate for change with us and then attempt to escape to your gold-laden mansion in heaven? No way!”

“What do I tell my wife? What do I tell my kids who owe school fees? What do I tell my landlord? I so much banked on the big returns on this money before the freezing. See what this Buhari economy has caused us. If MMM doesn’t return then I will go with it”

“Mr Man stop reciting your book of lamentations. Your words are so boring and nauseating.
While basking in the proceeds of MMM you changed totally. You stopped coming to the office frequently and I was told you private business closed as you were distracted. You even stopped attending Church services. Did Buhari advise you to invest in MMM? Stop blaming the old man. Recession is also affecting him or didn’t you see that viral photo of Buhari looking lean as he rocked the Aketi election campaign cap?”

“I saw it my brother. In fact that picture was technically graphic. But I will never stop blaming him. Had it been Nigeria had a functional economy, Serge Mavrodi or Chuddy Ugorji, the number 1 MMM guider wouldn’t have turned us into their prey. I have done my research and concluded MMM eyes developing countries like Nigeria, South Africa, Ghana, Kenya, Zimbabwe etc. Why not the U.S and United Kingdom? Buhari should order the Central Bank of Nigeria to issue bail-out funds to MMM victims just like the state governments.”

“If you like go online and join the wailing wailers, Buhari will not listen. Apart from the fact that his ears can’t be trusted due to persistent medical problems, he is focused on the successful wedding of his daughter, Zahra Buhari and his awesome 74th birthday. Una ehn, e pain me say I miss Zahra sha. I used to have this wild fantasy of winning her heart. I am sure MMM would have helped me in raising money to win her heart”

“Are you trying to mock me again? I will not take this from you”

“Stop being an Orubebe jare. So Buhari is now the Chief Mediator in the political tussle of The Gambia as appointed by ECOWAS? Who will help him mediate in the Biafra secessionist crisis, Boko Haram, Shiites, Niger Delta militants, corruption, economic recession and others?”

“I think the return of MMM will. 13th of January, 2017 is not far way. On a more serious note, that money is too sweet”.

Writer: Osayimwen Osahon George